Those of you reading this bollocks with any sort of regularity will no doubt be aware that people piss me off. Not just a little – a lot. So, in order to clear things up, I have decided to spell out how I decide if someone needs a punch in the back of the head. To get a punch in the back of the head from me, you have to satisfy any three of my criteria.

Age

Any where from 10 – 55

Hair cut

If you have spent 45 minutes doing your hair and it still looks like a retarded monkey is your hairdresser.

Hat

You have a cap on so that the peak is not on either forwards or backwards.
Your cap has a straight peak – in my day we got beaten up for that.
You cap isn’t pulled down to fit snugly on your bonce. If it’s just resting there, you are a numb-bat.

Tattoo

You have tattoo in a place where you can’t see it. What’s the fucking point? Surely you get a tattoo because it means something to you and so you can see it (without the aid of a mirror). Ben, I’m looking at you.

Piercings

More than one piercing per ear? Got a hole in your nose that hasn’t evolved over millions of years? Over 40 with a dangly earring? Got one of those huge fucking holes in your ear? Tool.

Phrases

Do you say things like ‘back in the day’ and ‘random’?

Socks

Got them pulled up? Again, in my day, we were beaten up for that.

Huge fucking shoes

Are your shoes about 2 sizes too big for your feet?

Thongs and jeans

I have complained about this before. I hate it.

Visible underpants

Can I see your under-durps when you are still wearing pants?

Sunglasses

Wearing them inside or when it’s dark. Not good.

So if you hear me utter the phrase “back of the head”, you should probably rethink the way you look or act.

I’m sure there is more, but I can’t think of them at the moment. I’ll get back to you.

Love and sloppy kisses,
Grum.

Tags: back of the head, what shits me